Is there a Doctor in the House?
by MiniMedic
Summary: T for now. Dr. Gregory House is a pill popping narcissist. Autobot CMO Ratchet has all the bedside manners of a Cobra. Dr. Perry Cox has the temperament of a 2 year old. Will they survive and work together or kill one another? TF/Scrubs/HouseMD crossover
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Freedom is the right of all sentient beings! I own nothing, other than my own OC's and story plots.

**A/N** this takes place before Chase, Formen or Cameron left. and before JD became a resident doctor at Sacred Heart .

" speaking"

_' thoughts'_

**Is there a Doctor in the House?**

By MiniMedic

Chapter 1

* * *

The ambulance pulled up into the medical centers parking lot with a light sigh of his intakes. Scanning a nearby SUV, he deemed a decent **temporary** disguise Ratchet parked his alt mode and activated his holoform. Looking to be a brunette man in his late 20's to early 30's .. Most humans found age difficult to perceive with holoforms, and their electric blue eyes somewhat unsettling. Wearing black slacks and a white button down long sleeved shirt the medic made his way toward the front entrance of Princeton- Plainsboro Hospital.

Being the Autobot chief medical officer, Ratchet was well versed in his species medical practices. After landing on Earth, Prime had suggested he learn a bit about human medical procedure as well, emergency treatment and diagnoses at the very least… and he had agreed with is superior… having already downloaded many medical files and information. Having knowledge of something and putting it into practice was another matter all together. They had decided he would, at the very least, need a _little_ 'hands on experience' in the field. All the statistics had pointed to Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital being the best human medical center for diagnostics.

Dr. Cuddy had taken the news rather well, when it was delivered by their Military liaison. Screaming for only half an hour, staring dumbly, demanding proof and then screaming again; before convincing herself that a Dr. House **hadn't** broken her processor. Accepting the fact that her planet was inhabited by a rather, **large** alien species as well as her own had been difficult. The women had even met Prime and Ratchet himself without too much incident. Only given a few days to recover Dr Cuddy, trembling slightly, asked them what they wanted…not bad for a professional. She handled the news well for a being so young. The woman bristled at their request, despite being frightened, unknowingly earning the CMO's respect, by not trusting her patients with an unknown alien entity.

Prime assured her that all precaution had been taken. Numerous tests and simulations had been run, insuring that all side affects on organics by Cybertronion's in their natural state were beneficial, if any effects occurred at all and their holoforms giving off too little spark energy to be noticed without constant, long term exposure. Dr. Cuddy had agreed finally only on the condition that whatever medical advances they made would be available to her staff, within reason and compliance with Cybertronian laws of course. The Dean of medicine had suggested Dr. Ratchet come with in a few weeks' time. Another medical practitioner was coming to study under Dr. House… and it would effectively "Kill two birds with one stone...**And** save my sanity." ... What ever that had meant.

So here he was standing patiently by the nurses' station, stance slightly ridged due to over a millennia of military discipline. " Would you please direct me to a Dr. Lisa Cuddy?" The brunette asked the blond nurse quietly. The young woman looked up at him with tired green eyes, gaping a moment at his unnaturally bright optics before nodding slowly.

"Just a moment please.." the nurse replied reaching for the desk phone to contact her superior. Ratchet stood patiently, sharp optics taking in his surroundings. He found the ER not too far away, the small waiting area packed with patients in need of attention. The Autobot CMO automatically took note of the injured, his processor quickly scanning internet medical files and sorting patients by damage.. or what he could see anyway. Ratchet's medical scanners didn't work while in his holoform, something to do with his advanced medical sensors/programming and the holo sensors not relaying to his true forms processor via his spark link; that or a glitch in the holo program itself ... Wheeljack and Hound were working on correcting the malfunction. That didn't change the fact that it wasn't fixed yet **or** the fact that not being able to scan an individual and 'see' the damage himself irked the over protective CMO to no end.

Now being a well-versed and practiced medical officer, not to mention over millennia of war, Ratchet understood procedure more than any other. Lethal and serious damage was treated first….but that didn't stop his spark from twisting at the sight of a frantic female holding a whimpering sparkling to her chest… _'Primus a sparkling…Injured of all things.. Why the frag isn't the little femme getting medical attention!?..'_ The CMO mentally growled having to actively control himself. If that had happened with his staff, **heads** would **roll **...and they still might, weather this was his medbay or not!

Offspring were so incredibly rare among Cybertronians, precious creatures to be treated with the utmost care, not left leaking and in pain! A rather large bit of cloth wrapped tightly around the younglings arm was coated in blood. The sparkling's female creator was trying to calm the child and stem the blood flow. After doing a quick Internet search he walked over to the pair and knelt beside the younglings creator.

"Who.." the red headed female asked puzzled, looking at him with worried optics.

"I'm a Doctor." Ratchet explained quietly watching the sandy haired youngling intently. It had been so long since he'd treated a being so young. "What happened youngling?" the medic asked in a soft tone... the CMO's normal gruff demeanor virtually nonexistent. The little girl sniffled, clutching her creator tightly.

"I fell.. off m mm my bike.. " The youngling stammered hiding her face.

"And how long have you been here..?" Ratchet frowned directing the question toward the sparkling's creator.

" A half hour.. .. They said.. Dr. House isn't available yet… are you Dr. House?" The woman asked tiredly.

"No." Ratchet's frown deepened at the remark. _' A half HOUR?!'_ Using a surgeon's delicate touch he gently took hold of the girls arm to see the wound. It wasn't too bad… a rather wide gash... but not deep… and the leakage had almost stopped all together…it would thankfully require stitches to close the wound and nothing more. However the girl had lost more fluid than he would have liked. Adjusting the blood soaked towel so that it was properly in place. "It's not serious... however it will require stitches… I'll see that Dr. House gets to you as soon as possible." The woman sighed in relief, seeming to already know the information but hearing it from a professional confirmed and eased her fears. Ratchet stood automatically going to the next waiting patient. One after another he checked them until a nurse had the audacity to scold him.

"What are you doing? You're not a doctor here." The older plump woman had demanded in a haughty tone. Ratchet currently kneeled on the floor, calming yet another upset and damaged sparkling looked up at the woman barely able to keep his temper in check. He stood setting his jaw and fixing her with an icy glare.

"I am merely assisting these people.. Which is more than I can say for you." Ratchet kept his tone level.. or as level as he could with the light growl in his throat. The nurse squeaked in response taking a step back as he glared daggers through her. The CMO had been in the ER for almost an hour... and still no Dr. House...Another medical officer had taken patients ... If someone hadn't the medic would have raised Pit and put the fear of Primus into them…. However this did not change the fact that most of the patients in the room were assigned to this Dr. House. The man had fragg'n well better have a good explanation for abandoning his patients… or there would be '**Hell** to pay'. "More **importantly** madam… **Where** is Dr. House?" Ratchet glowered, his holoform's hand twitched missing his tools.

"Mr. Ratchet?" a soft tired voice called from the nurse's station. "Dr. Cuddy can see you now." The medic nodded to the blond nurse at the counter, she was working her aft off and he intended to see that it wouldn't go unnoticed. The woman directed him toward the Dean's office and the Autobot quickly made his way through the hallways, his temper easing somewhat. He fully intended to get to the bottom of this_.._ Surly Dean Cuddy knew where this House was… _'Did Dr. House have another more pressing matter to attend?.. A fatally damaged or malfunctioning patient? …That would explain it...' _Ratchet's thoughts were disrupted however when he heard a shout coming from behind an office door, lettering indicating that this was indeed the Dean of Medicine's office.

"Now Cuddy I know I'm just a _shining_ example and role model… but I am not playing babysitter… Get Cameron to do it. Kiddies love her.. " A snarky gruff tone floated through the door.

"House.. We've been through this.." Dr. Cuddy's voice followed in an agitated tone. "Can you at least TRY to be professional?.."

"…ummm.. let me see.. **Nope!** That's **your** job." A bright reply followed. Ratchet started to enter then stopped himself.. Remembering the human custom the CMO lightly rapped his knuckles on the doorframe.

"Come in." The woman called then in a low growl clearly directed toward the other party in the room.. " **House**.. Behave."

The medic entered to find a haggard looking man standing to the side… dressed in a light blue shirt and tweed suit. Leaning heavily on a cane, the unshaven man stood quietly, observing with intelligent blue eyes in an almost bored manner.

"… I apologize for keeping you waiting.." Cuddy forced a nervous smile at the brunette, still uncomfortable with **what** he was. Seeing the Autobot looking so **human **was unnerving, perhaps more so than the knowledge that Cuddy herself was the **only** one in the **entire** medical facility who did know the truth... Sitting at her desk, dressed in a dark business suit the female shifted uneasily. Dr. Cuddy was as Ratchet remembered her.. Dark curly hair framed her faceplates and kind but slightly worried optics shifted from the CMO to the other man in the room.

"No apologies necessary…I made myself useful." Ratchet nodded polity to the woman, who paled at the latter part of the sentence.

oooooooooooooooooo

From the corner of the room bright eyes took in every moment with mild interest. Leaning heavily on his cane Gregory House sighed. Oh how his inner child **hated** being ignored… but wait… blue eyes flicked between the dean and the new comer.. Cuddy was nervous… not just **anyone** got under Lisa Cuddy's skin, he should know..… House's mind turned forming questions… questions that needed answers.. There was something Cuddy wasn't telling him… He could see it as if it was written on a billboard. Now.. To figure out **what**..

oooooooooooooooooooo

"Dr. Ratchet.. I'd like you to meet Dr. House... You'll be under his tutelage " Cuddy introduced them trying to keep her poise… then checking her wrist watch. " The other member of our party should be here any time now."

"Ratchet?.." Dr. House scoffed limping up to the desk. " Your name is RATCHET?."

"House!" Cuddy scolded with a half sharp half frightened look.

"You're named after a **tool**?" House continued ignoring the woman and giving the medic a mocking look. The CMO regarded the human, his faceplates twitching slightly. So.. This was the infamous Dr. House.

"You're named after a **building**.. at least I'm **useful**." Ratchet commented in a cool mocking tone of his own. House stared at the medic a moment in slight shock before recovering himself, a light smirk playing on his lips... by the guys ridged stance and body language House hadn't expected a return fire. Oh .. this could be fun…

A knock sounded like a thunderclap making Cuddy jump. "Come in." she called swallowing hard to maintain her composure. God she needed a drink… a rather strong one. The door opened reveling a scowling blond haired man looking to be in his 40's. Wearing jeans and a white t-shirt he glared them viciously before walking into the room.. Giving off the notion that he would rather be anywhere **but **here.

"Gentlemen.. May I introduce Dr. Perry Cox." Cuddy said almost tiredly. There was a slight moment of tension as the three regarded one another.

"Hahaha!.. You're name is Cox.." House outright laughed now leaning against the desk as Ratchet quirked an optic at them.

"House!" Cuddy scolded as the new male shot him a look that Ratchet was sure, had it been possible, could have killed the human.

Gregory House grinned blue eyes shining in delight. Oooo Hohooo .. This could be fun indeed!

* * *

A/N

Mini: (grins) So .. the epic meeting between Ratchet, Dr. House and Dr. Cox…. I have no idea where I'm going with this.. It might just be a one-shot.. it might develop into a story… who knows...Tell me what ya think? Good, bad, lame?

God this is going to give me a headache... The three of them are so similar but so different... it's going to be hard to keep them straight and make it work believably, I can already tell… Now.. don't worry.. I'm not giving up on any of my other writings.. I'm still working on them .. I don't intend on abandoning anything.

I'm a bit miffed... I tried writing this 3 times and had to start over cause my computer crashed. And it's still not as good as the first draft was… Ah well.. I hope I did them justice...

Ratchet: (glares at me) You Berth.. NOW!

Sides: O.o .. Do you have any idea how that can be taken…

Ratchet: (optic twitches)

Mini: EWWW!! Sides! (Throws clip board at him… and winces) Damn..

Sides: (grins dodging the clipboard) serves you right! (pouts) throwing stuff at me.

Ratchet: Give..

Mini: It's fine.. I'm gona go to bed..

Ratchet: (glares) my patients is already short with you youngling …don't push it.

Mini: (sighs) Fine.. (Holding out hands) ... just don't scream at me..

Ratchet: (optic twitches after scanning them) not only did you work yourself into a cluster headache... Not **two** solar cycles ago… You've overworked BOTH your wrists, hands **and** a knee joint!

Mini: um.. well the reports needed to be done.. and.. I know I wasn't on repair duty so..

Ratchet: The reports can fragg'n wait! And if Prowl says otherwise he can deal with me!

Sides: (grinning) Not to mention she hasn't recharged nor refueled properly in the past TWO solar cycles ether…

Mini: (hisses) Sideswipe!! (glares at him) I fragg'n hate you..

Sides: (grins) It's only cause I care…

Ratchet: PRIMUS! ARE YOU **TRYING** TO OFFLINE YOURSELF?

Mini: (winces) crap.. Wait.. Ratch I'm ok! I promise.. I .Put me down! ...But no! My computer! Don't..jojen

Ratchet: Don't give me that look youngling… You can have it back when and ONLY when. you've had a decent recharge cycle. **And** I see that your self-recovery systems have adequately repaired the damages.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Freedom is the right of all sentient beings

**Disclaimer: **Freedom is the right of all sentient beings! I own nothing, other than my own OC's and story plots.

**A/N** this takes place before Chase, Formen or Cameron left and before JD became a resident doctor at Sacred Heart .

" speaking"

_' thoughts'_

**Is there a Doctor in the House?**

By MiniMedic

**Ch. 2**

* * *

Previously

* * *

"_Dr. Ratchet.. I'd like you to meet Dr. House... You'll be under his tutelage " Cuddy introduced them trying to keep her poise… then checking her wrist watch. " The other member of our party should be here any time now."_

"_Ratchet?.." Dr. House scoffed limping up to the desk. " Your name is RATCHET?."_

"_House!" Cuddy scolded with a half sharp half frightened look._

"_You're named after a __**tool**__?" House continued ignoring the woman and giving the medic a mocking look. The CMO regarded the human, his faceplates twitching slightly. So.. This was the infamous Dr. House._

"_You're named after a __**building**__.. at least I'm __**useful**__." Ratchet commented in a cool mocking tone of his own. House stared at the medic a moment in slight shock before recovering himself, a light smirk playing on his lips... by the guys ridged stance and body language House hadn't expected a return fire. Oh .. This could be fun…_

_A knock sounded like a thunderclap making Cuddy jump. "Come in." she called swallowing hard to maintain her composure. God she needed a drink… a rather strong one. The door opened reveling a scowling blond haired man looking to be in his 40's. Wearing jeans and a white t-shirt he glared them viciously before walking into the room.. Giving off the notion that he would rather be anywhere __**but **__here._

"_Gentlemen.. May I introduce Dr. Perry Cox." Cuddy said almost tiredly. There was a slight moment of tension as the three regarded one another._

"_Hahaha!.. You're name is Cox.." House outright laughed now leaning against the desk as Ratchet quirked an optic at them._

"_House!" Cuddy scolded as the new male shot him a look that Ratchet was sure, had it been possible, could have killed the human._

_Gregory House grinned blue eyes shining in delight. Oooo Hohooo .. This could be fun indeed!_

* * *

"Oh ho ho... Don't start something you can't finish there princess." the new comer laughed sarcastically "...Listen up Gimpy..." The blond glared suddenly serious, anger just barely contained under the surface. " I don't give a damn who you are or if you're the best in your field, cause personally, after reading your file...I think you're compensating for something... I mean lets face it there Curly Top... spending -that- much time at work, which you obviously do with your track record, can't be good for your social life... Oh wait.. Apparently you don't have one!" The man mocked in fringed surprise as Dr. House stood with a blank yet stunned look on his face. What was this some kind of twisted competition on who could be the bigger jackass? "The only reason I'm even here is because, the Devil **himself**, Bob Kelso unleashed his unholy minions on the board. So it's ether I improve the diagnostics crew at Sacred Heart or we do a joint program with **your** team, which quite frankly would be HELL on Earth for **both** of us. I'm NOT letting a stuck up narcissistic gimp like you in MY hospital let alone anywhere near my patients... We can only have one quarterback on the team, which so happens to be yours truly." he pointed to himself for impact then House "Not you.. Me! And by GOD I have enough trouble with newbie and the idiots to deal with you. My fuse at this moment is non-existent. I'm only gon'a tell you once ...so listen up.." the man let out an ear splitting whistle making Cuddy jump at the volume and pitch. Ratchet cocked an eyebrow at the man's audacity, but the trick **did** make sure he had their attention.. The CMO made a mental note to remember that one. "Here's the drill I learn what I got'a to keep you and your ER sitcom rejects OUT of my turf and then I leave…on my marry little way as **quickly** as possible... there will be no socializing, no cuddles, and especially no friend making …NO sir.." Dr. Cox shook his finger in a slow 'no' motion an inch from Dr. House's nose then patted him on the head as though he was a very young child." Now you just be a good little Gimpy and do as your boss lady tells you and maybe just** MAYBE **you'll get a nice home too one day…just like a **real** boy." Dr. Cox finished with a sarcastic smile then turned on his heel and walked out of the room leaving a stunned audience in his wake.

Ratchet smirked at the expression on House's face, the man turned to Dean Cuddy mouth agape in pure outrage and shock. "I'm the only one allowed to do the witty smart ass speeches!" House exclaimed as the woman sat down rather heavily at her desk, placing a hand at her temple in effort to fight off an on coming headache. The Medic eyed the woman carefully deciding it would be better to speak with her privately about Mr. House as well as make sure the kind nurse was noticed for her behavior.

"Obviously not anymore.." Ratchet smirked as House shot him a glare, and then nodded to the Dean politely. " With your permission to proceed madam?"

"What..?" Cuddly looked up from her desk at the alien rather shaken, though trying hard not to show it. " Yes ...yes of course…. Please get started right away." The two headed out of the office one slightly smiling and the other scowling as his brilliant mind turned… this was going to be an interesting game.

Only a few steps down the hallway they found Dr. Cox frozen staring horrified at the elevator, a pale wiry looking man emerging. The messy haired male stood looking lost, wearing jean shorts and a blue T-shirt, which read FREE HUGS! in bright red letters.

"You hate me don't you?" the blond doctor sighed exasperated up at the heavens earning a curious look from his now coworkers.

"Dr. Cox!" The boy brightened, warm eyes lighting up at the sight of his mentor and rushing to him. " Dr. Kelso thought you might need some back up and since we're partners and have that whole Jedi master apprentice relationship…." The boy stopped seeing the man wince and mutter a _"Damn you to hell Kelso.. You evil bastard."_ Then hesitating and fidgeting; he turned to the other two doctors. Smiling brightly and reminding the Autobot a great deal of a certain young gunner. "Hi I'm JD!" the male introduced himself excitedly. "I'm surprised that you made friends so quickly.. Big Dog normally scares people so no one really talks to him but he **really** is a soft fluffy puppy underneath." House smirked at Dr. Cox's obvious dislike of the boy, opening his mouth to unleash his own attack at the irritated blond just as an intercom announcement interrupted him.

"Will the owner of the Black 911 Porsche please report to the front desk."

Ratchets first reaction was to contact Jazz … but stopped himself having no report of the silver Porsche anywhere near the area and knowing that saboteur would not be so foolish as to draw public attention on a stealth mission.

"Yeah.. um.. about that.." JD stammered catching the medic's attention. Looking up he fought the urge to come between the boy and Dr. Cox, as the older man looked ready to scrap the youngling.

"Julia … my car.." the blond growled his face coloring with a crimson shade and advancing on the boy as the youngling backed up rather nervously.

"Well .. um.. You see.. It wasn't my fault and…" JD cringed. " Ok ... it **was **my fault but.. We're bumper buddies and accidents happen...right?… now.. Perry… Buddy... you know I.. I didn't mean to …its its just a **tiny** dent …" the boy swallowed using his hands to emphasize the amount of damage as being minimal. Cox glanced out the window to see his precious beauty which he so painstakingly parked a good distance from everyone else, rear-ended by JD's God awful lime colored spam box the boy had been dubbed the 'Mystery machine 2.0'.

"Ouch.. Looks like Big Dog got neutered." House commented leaning heavily on the ebony cane, when he and Ratchet came to investigate. The blond turned calmly taking a deep breath.

"Its Ok..." Perry breathed tightly and JD about died on the spot.

"What... you… you aren't going to scream at me and burst into a firey ball of pent up repressed rage death and fury?" the boy squeaked looking ready to bolt. "Wow... those anger management classes really do work.."

"No Cindy.. I'm just going to beat you to death... slowly.." Dr. Cox stated pinning him with a murderous glare then turning to House. " Hey there Gimpy... I'm gona borrow this real quick" snatching the man's cane out from under him, then taking off down the hall way after the now screaming intern. House fell forward at the sudden loss of support and grabbed out, latching on to Ratchet's shoulder to keep himself upright. The Medic grunted twitching in agitation at the current conduct of his 'coworkers'.

" NO RUNNING!" The medic snapped irritated at the obvious disturbance of the hospital patients. "This is a MEDICAL FACILITY FOR PRIMUS SAKE!"

" Ratchet!" House scolded in a low tone. " I'm ashamed of you.. Screaming in a hospital. There are sick people here ... and you call yourself a doctor!" the man tisked, mirth evident in his sharp eyes as the CMO twitched. "...Showing such **lack **of regard for their well being..." House shook his head in mock disappointment "...Ah well!" He added brightly then scowled at the man running down the hallway. " While we're at it... HEY! DR. **PECKER**! GIMME BACK MY CANE!"

* * *

A/N:

Ok guys, I know... I said I was leaving but after some thought...I'm going to try and stay...

MiniMedic: Please forgive the shortness and lateness of this chapter... OK... so I finally found a case that's worthy **and **hard enough to throw **both **House and Ratchet for a loop, (that I don't -think- has been done on the show yet ...I've missed -a lot- of House MD and haven't even seen last season)... I just have to do a bit more research to see if I can get all the medical stuff down... blah, I have some knowledge but I'm not a doctor, so it's gona be a bit of work …that and I'm gona have to talk to some of the human medics when they aren't busy and see if they know anything bout it ( I doubt it from what I've read it's a **very** rarely diagnosed condition) ...forgive me if I make screw ups and let me know bout it if you catch something. I'll see what I can do to correct them...I'm not sure how well their personalities turned out in this chapter ether... something's bugging me but I'm not sure exactly what …Crossovers are always difficult to do realistically, often piecing together universes that don't **normally** go together.. and cause its not just **one** fandom, but **multiples** that you're trying to do justice and please, at the same time, while being wide open to the die-hards who nitpick **everything** ..Which can be both a good and bad thing (grins) it's a bit of a challenge… Hmmm… so good, bad or do I need to be banished from ever writing Crossovers again? (Grins) Oh oh! (Bounces) guess what I did on my unexpected free day?

Sides: (grins) besides getting cheered up by Jazz?

MiniMedic: Finished this chapter as well as started two more for my other stuff...(glares) You just HAD to tell him I was secretly depressed didn't you… you lying ass...I didn't **need** cheering up! ... Not that I don't appreciated it but I can't get that damn song out of my head now... I like the 80's but God how can he love that song so much... 'Material girl' is freak'n ancient... not that I don't like the song or Madonna... It's just 5 damn times in a row!

Sides: Aww (pouts) but I was on patrol and couldn't check on you...

MiniMedic: I'm a big girl, Sides. I don't need a babysitter...

Ratchet: (snorts) And WheelJack doesn't blow himself up at least once every 3 months... take care of yourself and maybe one day we'll believe you…

MiniMedic: I have been! ... Lately… (Scowls) .. I've **seen **you work yourself into a lock!

Ratchet: (glares) Yes after you literally about **collapsed**... I swear there are times I think, YOU think, your one of us instead of human... don't try to change the subject, I'm **not **the topic of this conversation, not to mention I am far more durable than you.

Sides: (snickers) is that why our home brewed high grade knocked you on your aft just last...

Ratchet: Sideswipe (optics narrow) WHY are you even in here?

Sides: um... (Fidgets) I was just leaving... (Bolts out)

MiniMedic: hehe... So... You going to report them for it?

Ratchet: (cocks an optic ridge) would it do any good?

MiniMedic: ... point...

Ratchet: besides.. They make fragg'n good high-grade.. Now go recharge..

MiniMedic: (grins) I will.. I just need to finish editing this...

Ratchet: (Glares)

MiniMedic: (sighs) Yes MOTHER... see ya next chapter.


End file.
